Verbal Attack: The emails of the Suthibut family

1. you and oddtodd are my hero.
ztepfinat0r :: Wed, 2003/07/30, 14:58

2. heroes plural. i kant speL
ztepfinat0r :: Wed, 2003/07/30, 15:01

3. Dave, we were just re-visiting your side splitting site. You're my hero :)
tanya b :: Fri, 2003/09/19, 21:52

4. Hey Dave, gabe from fuckthatjob.com - oh look, there's my girlfriend tanya. What the hell are you doing on Dave's site? Damn strumpet.

Anyway, we just gave you some props over at ftj, go feel the warm glow.

Cheers,

-G

PS - more posts on your site, please!
gabe e :: Fri, 2003/09/19, 22:21

5. Dave, you are one pathetic loser! I guess not being able to find a job has left you with a lot of time on your hands
e :: Mon, 2003/09/22, 17:52

6. Dave, you should fabricate a 'perfect' resume ( you know MIT summa cum laude etc... ) but use the same attitude. I guarantee they will be sucking your dick in no time.
z00ie :: Thu, 2004/03/04, 08:22

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Mike :: Sun, 2004/07/18, 07:23

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THIS NOT SPAM - please erase this message and you'll never see our ad again.

jake :: Mon, 2004/09/20, 13:24

9. I just finished reading your site and I must say I'm actually surprised that these employers even responded back to you...lol...people who actually write serious cover letters and send resumes in never get this much of a response as you have with your "getting back at the man" tactics. I must say I love it.
cielito :: Thu, 2004/10/21, 13:36

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aljouzooli salah abduirahman :: Sat, 2004/12/18, 00:45

11. it not very nice calling your girlfriend a strumpet

_______________
<a href="http://www.axiossystems.com/">ITIL </a> Consultant
tracie :: Thu, 2005/03/31, 05:10

12. Dave, you rock. Check out www.ALABEL.net. I think you'll think it's funny.
kaitlyn :: Sat, 2005/07/09, 18:40

1. I like the site. I've always thought it was terrible how the employer has every single bit of power in what should be a mutually beneficial relationship. It's nice to see somebody treat them how they treat potential job seekers.

I'm just wondering how you get replies from these people. No matter how much I suck up, no matter how many times I say, "I look forward to hearing from you," I never once get a reply from these people, not even just, "Thank you for your interest." Maybe I should start being rude like you, maybe then I'd actually get somebody to notice me...
HeartBurn Kid :: Tue, 2003/07/22, 10:14

2. I have to say, while I enjoy seeing the exchanges you must realize that it's utterly unproductive to your goal of becoming employed.

In a seller's market, with buyers queueing up and offering over asking price for houses, you simply don't have the upper hand. Same thing in the current job market. It sucks, but it's the way it is. And always has been.

These recruiters get tons of email and resumes, so a wise ass like you is just an annoyance that they will blow off unceremoniously. I don't think you are "exposing" anything but your own lack of people skills.
fullcity :: Wed, 2003/07/23, 05:28

3. Hey Fullcity,

Thanks for the advice dawg - I had a feeling I was doing something wrong! I mean, all these emails sent out for jobs, and so few responses. And the attitudes these employers displayed was, well, less than cordial. Perhaps I should adjust my own job searching style to sound like everyone else's. After all, they say that conformity is the key to eternal bliss! Thanks again for setting me straight.

Dave Suthibut
Dave Suthibut :: Wed, 2003/07/23, 14:25

4. It's "piqued" my interest, not "peaked" my interest.
Jeremy :: Wed, 2003/08/20, 13:43

5. Jeremy, I see you've appreciated the subtle humor of the site... bravo mate
Rose :: Fri, 2003/08/22, 14:40

1. We've all seen this e-mail before, so it isn't anything new. If I got an e-mail like that, I'd just delete it.
Joe :: Thu, 2003/07/10, 11:31

2. Um, I think the point is that he uses the same response to different situations... all about the $$$
June :: Thu, 2003/07/10, 13:21

3. You have got to be kidding me. I found your blog from fuckthatjob.com, and wish I could take back the twenty minutes I spent reading your site. It is completely barren of wit and the strenuous activity of moving the sidebar up and down to read the original letter, then the responses, and then finally the comments, is so strenuous that the frustration far outweighs the payoff in comedy. I would suggest reorganizing the incidents in a more linear fashion, and to write to the employers with more than just "I want vacations and perks."
angry reader :: Wed, 2003/07/16, 06:47

4. Hey angry reader,

Sorry about those lost 20 minutes bro! Good luck with getting that stick removed -- you know, the one that's firmly wedged up your uptight ass!

Dave
Dave Suthibut :: Wed, 2003/07/16, 10:09

5. Haha, your blog's real phunny. Found it with a net search for that Zenith Bank email, cause I got it today, along with instant messages trying to scam me.
A. :: Thu, 2003/07/24, 09:54

6. DUDE!! You stripped out the email address. I collect those and forword them to each other and use them for the reply address in the "Penis Spam" that shows up all the time. They stopped emailing me and I ran out of addresses and now I need another fix. :P

Hasta...
Palomr Jack :: Mon, 2003/12/01, 00:22

7. Palomar Jack, that's really funny, cross-wiring the spammers with the spermers -- brilliant!
Mikey :: Sat, 2004/08/14, 19:50

1. This site - is classic. Thank you for being the vent of my rage. You have inspired me.

-J
http://this.mp3.new.net

Jeremiah :: Thu, 2003/07/03, 14:26

2. hey man, this is great.... i've also been doing some of these types of job inquiries but never thought of posting the responses on the web. i've found that using words like "man","woman","buddy","baby","chucko","chauncy", and "hotrod" stirs much higher emotions in the responses i receive.
Mike :: Thu, 2003/07/03, 15:32

3. funny, funny stuff. you made my day.
Ned Christy :: Thu, 2003/07/03, 17:25

4. i seem to be missing the point here. are these serious enquiries you have sent? are you testing the potential employers or deliberately trying to alienate them? or is this how people really are applying for jobs and then complaining about the results? signed me...baffled.
carol :: Thu, 2003/07/03, 19:30

5. being English, I can only read in disbelief at how shitty American employers are. true, we wouldn't be able to get away with your cunning sarcasm, but over there (points to America), they all a bit too far up themselves.
David :: Fri, 2003/07/04, 01:50

6. I wish I could get away with it. I hope you haven't been using your real name on these, because "Dave Suthibut" is now surely blacklisted by employers all over the English-speaking world and you'll be lucky if you can get a job flipping burgers.
Nobody U. Know :: Fri, 2003/07/04, 10:58

7. Well, shucks: how dare you ask about vacation and perks for an intern position! Didn't you know that you're supposed to suck it up, suck off the boss, and pray that you'll get hired full-time after working for free for the next three to six months? Well, besides having the nerve to look surprised when the boss breaks every verbal agreement he made with you, tells you to take a hike, and gives the job to his son/daughter/frat brother's unemployable brat/new girlfriend with a $10 raise over what he promised you. You're damn lucky he bothered to read your resume in the first place: after all, reading it cut into his golf schedule...
Paul :: Sun, 2003/07/06, 16:40

8. if this is for real i hope others follow suit. keep it up, this is fantastic.
n.e. :: Mon, 2003/07/07, 10:21

9. Wunnerfull! And I should apologize for calling you a pussy earlier - not just because you started including email addresses, but because I didn't catch your announcement on fuckthatjob.com announcing that you were going to start including the email addresses of all these wonderful - truely wonderful - examples of the human race.

The real horror is that they will continue to breed.

Here's hoping for the day when cannibalism becomes legal and fashionable, because it seems like there's plenty of tasty HR folk ready to sizzle on the fast-food fryer. Mmmmm. HR folk.

Michael Moore - eat your heart out!
mgabrys :: Mon, 2003/07/07, 11:44

10. There are bigger whackjobs out there. I remember reading a whole book of letters a guy wrote to hotels about whether he can bring his pigs, or massive ottoman, or mirrors to the hotel during his stay. Essentially you're following your anger, aspiring to be a wackjob... but you have more distance to travel.

I have good relationships with three or four recruiters. I understand these to be business relationships for both parties. I have, in the past and probably the future, pushed the limits of what's acceptable in business relationships. But all and all I understand them to be not very flexable, and built out of some basic principles and not much else. People who know the principles usually get along with me. People who just know a bunch of rules annoy me.

I've been through so many interviews that I am getting frustrated. But none of it is an employer's fault. It's just life these days. It's a market like any other. About salary/wage: Sure I inquire. Vacation? Typically I don't inquire about that up front. The whole concept of vacation implies you have something to give. Or rather that you Have Given something. Why would it be a first question? Currently I have Permanent Vacation. It's as if you want to live in another time, or harken back to it. When in fact we have a market economy which oscillates between upper-hand and screw-job. Recruiters are doing what they've always done: considering the best applicants, and choosing. Seems straightforward. Seems timeless somehow.
John :: Mon, 2003/07/07, 15:39

11. Don't just stop at pay rate and vacation days but ask about stock options - remember those? Remeber how important it was to have them? It made you feel like you truly had skin in the game and all the executives were so supportive of all your insights, opinions and suggestions as to how better the bottom line.....gag.
chris :: Mon, 2003/07/07, 22:11

12. Oh man, Dave, thank you so much for this. I'm currently looking for a job --- any job, this point--- in The City, and am being treated like shit from just about every person in every company I encounter. Snobby bitches, arrogant pricks in the "hiring team" and generally requirements that go from "please look extremely professional but also must be able to lift 50pounds".
I hate them all. Oh boy.
Nina :: Tue, 2003/07/08, 11:47

13. Dave, they are probably going to catch up to you in Google searches, I would suggest using aliases.
Stephen VanDyke :: Tue, 2003/07/08, 13:34

14. some other things you might consider asking:

Do I get my own office?
What time do I have to come into the office?
How long are lunch breaks?
Does the company make provisions for the handicapped?
Ask for your own personal parking spot next to the door.
Stephen VanDyke :: Tue, 2003/07/08, 13:39

1. Great stuff keep at it. These fuckers need to be exposed for what they are.
Bill Blackmon :: Wed, 2003/07/02, 06:23

2. I love the purposefully intentional bad grammar, "Which is why I wrote you". Great trolling, Dave!
Jimmie Dimmick :: Wed, 2003/07/02, 11:29

3. pussy - you're not including email addresses so we can join in the fun. You're a pussy who can't take the heat.

pussy.
hi :: Wed, 2003/07/02, 12:29

4. Keep up the good work, pal! Employers are sowing the wind...they will reap the whirlwind when things pick up again. I hope you find something good. :)
Big Bubba :: Wed, 2003/07/02, 12:35

5. Why is he a pussy? He's copying the text from yahoo mail, so on replies it only has the person's display name.

I think this page is awesome...
robby :: Thu, 2003/07/03, 12:49

6. You know, this could have been funny -- IF you'd written letters that actually made you seem like a real potential employee, not just a self-interested asshole -- and IF you'd gotten rude responses to those letters in earnest -- but all I see here is reponses that indicate that they're not interested in hiring somebody who merely asks what the job can do for him. Duh! I'm a pretty good employer (I have an assistant), and I get a lot of resumes and cover letters. Is it really that outrageous that no one wants to hire a guy who "sells" himself by asking about perks and vacation pay? Duh again.
Amy Alkon :: Fri, 2003/07/04, 09:59

7. To the previous poster: The whole purpose of this site is to expose the rudeness and hostility that employers such as yourself display toward candidates -- even those who are more than qualified to do what the job requirements state (rudeness and hostility is actually an understatement -- you're attitude is one of malice). Basically, it's all to get a rise out of people, and who knows? One day we could be targeting you and annoying the hell out of you, so if you don't want this person to waste his time by emailing you about perks and vacation, don't waste ours by posting phony job ads.
Joe :: Fri, 2003/07/04, 10:59

8. I don't have time to paste phony job ads -- nor would I if I did have the time. What I do in my spare time is "pranks" that really hit on people doing something wrong -- like driving huge, environment-sucking, other-endangering SUVs. http://www.advicegoddess.com/suv.html -- The thing is, when you do a prank like this, you have to come from moral high ground, or it's worthless and not funny. If this guy had written sincere job letters and gotten rude replies, well, that's a different story. But of all the people who write me, explaining why they'd fit in (and part of the job here is that I try to help them with their own writing, so that's part of it, too -- that they'd get more out of it than a paycheck) -- if I got a letter from somebody who just wanted to know about vacation time and perks, well, I wouldn't be clamoring to hire them, either. And about "people like me," you know nothing about me, turd-let. I could have somebody work for me for free, because I do something cool for a living. But I don't think that's ethical, so I pay my assistant as much as I can, buy her lunch on the days she's here, and give her gas money. And I'm a middle class newspaper columnist, not some big, rich, corporation. Let's see real rudeness from an employer who gets a job letter in earnest, that's interested. The stuff here is just evidence that the guy who's done it doesn't understand what it takes to create a humorous prank.
Amy Alkon :: Fri, 2003/07/04, 18:32

9. "interesting," not "interested." Typing fast because I try not to spend too much time debating idiots.
Amy Alkon :: Fri, 2003/07/04, 18:33

10. Don't worry -- nobody may know anything about you, but your astounding arrogance and stupidity speaks for itself. Good day.
Joe :: Fri, 2003/07/04, 20:37

11. "they're not interested in hiring somebody who merely asks what the job can do for him"

Since most job-ads are only about what the emplyee can do for the employer, then I guess the responses have an equal right to be merely about what the employer can do for the employee.
Paavo Parkkinen :: Sat, 2003/07/05, 01:29

12. Holy *shit* Amy. The fact that you've got an ASSISTANT really gets yer pussy wet, doesn't it?

WTF is a turd-let, incidentally?

*shaking head*
ohfreak :: Sat, 2003/07/05, 03:30

13. Wow Amy! You actually buy your minions lunch? You ARE special. And you train them to write too! Hot damn! I bet when you're done with 'em, they write gooder than Dave and his unfunny emails here. Speaking of which, you even take time out of your busy day of lunch buying and assistant empowering to edumacate us lowly masses who actually thought this was a funny blog. Joisus! I guess your shit don't stink after all.
foog :: Sat, 2003/07/05, 15:09

14. "Oh PISS-boyyyyy...."
- Spoken by Mel Brooks playing Louis the XIV, in Mel Brooks' "History of the World."
J Ball :: Mon, 2003/07/07, 05:29

15. Hi, great stuff. Just realise it's your (US) system that sucks. Your laws let your employers be complete assholes. And of course they are. You need to be protected. Go do something about it, go fire George Bush. Vote for a real person, for a change. Save the world that way too, on the side.
And please someone kill Amy, I give you a few hundred dollars. You may consider this a real job offer!
Jeronimus Funk :: Mon, 2003/07/07, 06:51

16. geeze, be careful Amy doesn't torch your SUV, she's a barrel o' laughs!
mass transit :: Mon, 2003/07/07, 11:52

17. Great site. These pompous assholes who post comments about how you are not serious in the jobs, just don't get it and are probably bosses themselves who are anti-worker. It's about time someone expose these office nazi's for what the are. And what are they, some might ask? They are people with no moral,ethics and have an IQ equal to that of jackass. Keep up the good work.
Big T :: Mon, 2003/07/07, 20:17

18. Amy Alkon (poster #6), thanks for giving us a link so we can see how very funny you are. And the great advice on how to be funny! You are a super-hilarious woman, and I'm sure you are tons funnier than Dave -- but honestly, if you were, would you lecture him about it?
joe fodor :: Thu, 2003/07/10, 14:25

19. <sarc>Oh Amy, how terribly droll your humorous pranks are.
And your middle class newspaper column is chock full o' righteous, morally superior, hi-frickin'-larity.
Kudos to you madam, kudos!</sarc>
snikrepkire :: Wed, 2003/10/08, 09:30

20. Yo! Amy, If I want to drive a huge, environment-sucking, other-endangering(?) SUV and I can afford the payments and fuel, It's none of you or you enviro-nazi buddies business, so fuck off and stick to the topic, you socialist bitch.
Palomar Jack :: Sun, 2003/11/30, 23:57

1. Amy Alkon,
I totally agree with you. To think that potential employees might have the unmitigated audacity to ask about issues like vacation time that most concerns them in a job! They should be in ignorance of vacations and perks so that their boss is better situated to demand head.
Christopher Shawz :: Fri, 2003/07/04, 19:21

2. Very funny Chris. Now shut the hell up and get in here. I have a *special* assignment for you again.
the boss :: Sat, 2003/07/05, 13:17

3. Dave, you didn't read that the requirements insisted upon a disorganized pathological liar with an IQ below 60, a nonexistent sense of ethics, and absolutely no shame in lying to anyone and everyone to get that commission. Since you have a sense of humor and the ability to type coherent letters, you're obviously overqualified for the position. Besides, you don't have the prerequisite Business Management degree and a complete ignorance of industry terms.
Paul :: Sun, 2003/07/06, 16:43

4. May I suggest the use of the prefix "I am a toothless lesbian midget crack whore looking for..." to all job applications for that extra oomph : )

Keep up he good work Dave
antoan :: Thu, 2003/11/20, 12:52

5. Huh. I agree with that Amy chick. A lot of anger not a lot of funny. I hope it makes you feel better about losing your job and being unable to find another one that satisfies you cause it sure as fuck isn't going to do much else for you.
sporktine :: Fri, 2004/02/06, 13:55

6. Dave please, if you want a recruiter job please make sure that you tell the prospective employer the most salient detail. That is, tell them that you know absolutely nothing about virtually any industry, but you have practiced saying, "Where do you see yourself in the next five years?" over and over again in front of the mirror and are thus unequivocally ready to be a recruiter extraordinaire.
mapleleaf :: Mon, 2004/11/01, 13:31

1. Ah, yes. That isn't a real job: she's just fishing for resumes in Word format that she can dump into a database. After about twenty or thirty of those, she can go back to making personal calls to her sorority sisters and claim at the end of the week that she did something constructive. (I don't want to be overly bitter, but I've had literally hundreds of these little parasites swear up and down that they couldn't tell me a thing about the position until I sent them a resume, and then never heard a thing from them again.)

Ah well. If we just start spaying and neutering MBAs, these scum would be removed from the gene pool within a generation.
Paul Riddell :: Wed, 2003/07/02, 10:58

2. Dude, did you intentionally spell "piqued" wrong?
M :: Thu, 2003/07/03, 11:44

3. Dude, did you intentionally fail English class?
N :: Wed, 2003/07/09, 00:53

4. What are you trashing MBA's for? I have an MBA and cant even get a job. Oh Tip any time an ad says entrepreneurial spirit: STAY THE F*CK AWAY
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Me :: Sun, 2004/07/18, 07:11

1. Congrats on spotting the multi-level-marketing scam. I used to get quite a few calls about these about two years ago, until the little darlings couldn't afford to access Monster.com's database.

Oh, and you have to admire those huge PDFs as well. Every once in a while, you'll get one where the guy manufacturing it understands the difference between there/their/they're and why you don't pluralize with an apostrophe-S, but these come from the one guy who wanted to get something from eight years of keggers besides a coke habit and syphilis. Hang onto them: they're rare collector's items.
Paul Riddell :: Wed, 2003/07/02, 11:02

2. Priceless!!! The multi-level marketing was great. BTW, did you contact Craigslist about that?? MLM is verboten.
Thanks for the laughs!!! :]
Kristen :: Sat, 2003/07/05, 23:58

1. Is this dude's name really Dave Chappell? Is he trying to be funny? Is it just a stage name?
Harley :: Tue, 2003/07/08, 05:59

2. I really enjoyed all the comments here. The sad part is that so many companies appoint idiots to hire new talent, and then lose their competitiveness because of the wrong people in their ranks! My theory is that this is primarily what's wrong with corporate America - especially today.
Meanwhile the upper echelons are stealing the stockholders - and employees blind! The answer really is in not getting another j.o.b., even if the dumb HR people could appropriately assess your qualifications...

I, too, have sent out thousands of emails and resumes and work product samples, and rarely even receive the courtesy of an acknowledgement. Looking around me in the previous jobs I was lucky enough to get, and certainly performed beyond expectation - for someone else to get credit - I now know that the best people for the job didn't get hired,

Wish there were legitimate jobs out there other than MLM and stuffing envelopes and taking surveys, and all that ilk, for which you have to pay a "registration fee."
It's the same old persistent scam...

Best of luck in survival...
James Wilson :: Sat, 2003/08/02, 10:59

3. GREAT SITE. I personally understand the your feelings as to why you put up this site.

I for one have 25+ years of experience in the computing industry.

I started back when computers still used big rolls of paper for displaying their information. (Ahhhh... yes... teletypes with 110bps dialup connections.... yes those were the days... BUT I digress...)

I find it to be pathetic that potential employers treat their applicants as little more than cattle getting ready for the slaughter.

"Yes yes... Send us your information... Piss in the cup so we can see all of your secrets, sign this form so we can look at your background, bring a note from your mother saying your a good person and that she loves you, please tell us your ex-girlfriends phone number so we can ask her what kind of person she thinks you are, and also, please keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself, we don't want any creative thoughs around here, those just gum up the works. Shut up, sit there, be a drone. Then when we find that we've drained all of your creative talents from that brain of yours, leave quietly through the back door and don't mention you worked for us, because you signed a non-disclosure agreement when we hired you."

Uhm... yeah..... "And I'll need you to come in on Sunday too...."


Working for a company should be a mutually beneficial act whereby the employer gets increased productivity , increased profits, increased experience from the person they hired and a number of other things. The employee should get paid well, benefits, increased experience, a good work environment, security in their job, and the feeling that they are part of "something".

Having 25 years of experience in the industry used to actually mean something to a potential employer. Now they just look at the bottom dollar amount and see they can hire a couple of unskilled high school or college students who are willing to work for minimum wage, and aren't going to ask too many questions of their "wage slave" masters. :(


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tiki :: Wed, 2004/04/28, 05:27